Pain or Pain?—You Choose
Life is painful. There, I said it.
Every day we have some sort of pain that shows up: emotional, physical, mental, something. Consequently, we spend much of our time running from pain. We hire therapists, life and business coaches, or consultants to help us figure out how to get out of pain and stay there. We self-medicate with alcohol, food, tobacco, prescription drugs, sometimes even illegal drugs. Coaching alone is over a billion dollar a year business. Add to that what people are spending on therapists, counselors, consultants, and doctors, and that’s a ton of money spent trying to get out of pain. I can’t say I blame people.
Some of you know I do Crossfit. Crossfit is, in my opinion, the most physically and mentally demanding fitness program in the world. I have been an elite athlete for many years. In my youth, I was a swimmer and good enough to earn a scholarship at an NCAA Division I school. After college, I started playing women’s rugby and was at one point just a step away from the U.S. national team. Currently, I can deadlift 355 pounds. Swimming, rugby, deadlifts? I know something about physically demanding. I know something about pain. Swimming is one of the most physically and mentally demanding sports, and to succeed requires some real fortitude. But those 13 years facedown in a pool and 20 years of knocking heads on the rugby pitch don’t hold a candle to the demands of Crossfit.
But this post is not about Crossfit, swimming, rugby, or deadlifts. It is about what I have learned from Crossfit. From Crossfit I learned what true freedom really is. We mistakenly think freedom is a life free of pain—pain about money, pain about relationships, pain about what is missing or what is happening in our lives. But true freedom is not about any of that. Yes, life is hard, it is painful. True freedom is not a life void of pain, but the ability to choose your pain.
All the time, money, and resources we spend trying move away from pain is really wasted energy. Eliminating pain is impossible. In the excruciating physical and mental pain of Crossfit I have found true freedom: the ability to choose my pain.
Want freedom? Answer this: What pain can you choose that will free you from the shackles of your pain?
I can’t agree more. I think one key is finding out what pain is worth living with. What is the pain worth. Great Blog Mattison.
Very insightful, Mattison.
I’ve noticed how when I suffer the illusion that I do not have a choice, then I feel like a victim of life. Without choice, the pain feels more painful. So if I actually consciously choose the pain (or admit to myself that the pain I’m feeling is important and useful), then I am reveling in the best of what life is really about.
Angela
Thanks for the comment. I agree when we think we are stuck it can be pretty painful. I am reminded of the classic “what you resist – persists”
When I was in high school I had a clipping from the newspaper or a magazine, that said something like “pain is essential. If you haven’t got pain you’d better go and get some” I carried that dog-eared clipping around me with me for years.
Mattison
Brilliant post Mattison! Now, the saying “Pain is your friend” makes sense. Your perspective is so empowering…there’s no way to be a victim with that view of pain.
Now the question is, what pain will I choose? Can’t wait to see what comes out of that choice! Thanks so much for opening another door for discovery and making the journey so much fun!!!
Awesome, Mattison! This is a different way to look at it that few coaches are mentioning: Pain is inevitable. And that’s a good thing.
Your question causes me to instantly reframe some choices I’ve made lately. I’ve been doing some painful stuff for good reason. I’m not feeling the pain any less, though, so I’m not so sure that choosing it takes the edge off. That may just be more old thinking about how to avoid pain, when what we really need is to choose the pain we want.
Julia
Yes. I think there is a very subtle distinction here. There is a difference, between doing things for a “good reason” and doing what we really want. Most people have very good reasons for doing what they are doing, no denying that. That doesn’t mean it is what they really want to do. Ultimately that might be the most important distinction of this entire discussion.
Doing what we want is painful and so is doing what we think we want. Oh no… that is quite a double-bind 🙂
Great Blog Mattison!
I said “I choose this pain” during my workout today when it got hard and painful…and did things I’ve never been able to do before! Thank you for the life-changing blog post!
Enjoy your posts Mattison.
Over the last few years I’ve looked back at the “positive pain” in my life and actually have tried to figure out what the pain meant to then as well as what it means to me now.
Finally taking responsibility for past pains has allowed me to unearth lessons I was sent here to learn. One of those lessons being: Even though pain is indeed inevitable, it doesn’t mean pain has to put me in my “crappy place.” ( :
Interesting idea. Never quite thought about it this way. So today, instead of avoiding the ‘ pain’ of getting on my bike and riding, I’m going to do it because I want the greater reward of enjoying being out and getting into shape!
Sarah – awesome, so glad it was helpful. And great job on your workout!
Val – What if the reward of the bike ride was the pain?
i get your point about dealing with pain, and that is legitimate, but your post has me wondering if we haven’t created a society where everyone feels like they need to have help in everything they do. Like you can’t run a business without coaching and you can’t figure your life out without coaching or psychologist. It seems to me we have developed into a society that is afraid to make decisions without someone else validating them or giving them something better. While we may be trying to alleviate pain, we are also convinced that pain is bad and that we can’t be trusted to make our own decisions. there’s an almost, abdication of responsibility.
I think that the subtle distinction is in the marketing. In the process of marketing for clients, a lot of coaches sound like they are helping you ‘fix’ things. When you read that, the automatic assumption is that if I need to have it fixed, then something is wrong and I am not whole. So we have this huge group of people out there walking around thinking they are ‘broken’ and need to be fixed instead of whole and wanting more of what they have or doing something they really want.
Pain update – I really looked at my body in the mirror at the gym on Tuesday and wow, it was painful! Instead of avoiding that pain and turning away, I took a good, hard look and felt all my feelings….and then had the best work out EVER! That look was soooo painful…and motivating. I don’t think I could have done that before reading your post. And I wouldn’t have moved through it. In the two subsequent workouts, I’ve done things I’ve never been able to do before. That can’t be a coincidence! Thank you so much!
As usual you have a brilliant take on deeply looking into something that most people take at face value! Love what you said.
thanks Mattison – love your blog…. with regards Pain.. Ida Rolf shared “Pain is merely our resistance to change” Hmmm…. I like the idea of choice in relationship with pain – a good one to ponder thanks.. and here’s to pleasure too 🙂
Stefani
I completely agree with your assessment of how most coaches and others market. The trouble is even if they are able to help someone have a better life, they stop short of the real question. What pain do you choose? And that is where the good stuff is.
Sarah
Good for you. Keep up the good work.
Jonathan
Thanks! That means a lot coming from you.
Helen
Thanks for taking the time to check out the blog.
We always have choices, but they are often difficult to see. Pleasure….now that is an entirely different topic, or is it? Sometimes my most pleasurable moments are preceded or followed by lots of great pain.
A modern buddhist thought and very helpful. Pain I choose? To be fully conscious moment to moment. Can’t always do it but strive to because even in the pain of it there’s richness.
Rhonda
Thanks for your comment. I totally agree. It’s not do-able all the time, but it sure improves things when we can do it
Awesome conversation here, Mattison ~ Stefani is right that old-fashioned marketing has given us all the impression that things aren’t right, we’re in pain and we need somebody’s help. Wup! Better pull out the wallet! Coaches don’t have to do that. It’s ugly and it doesn’t work very well anymore.
Thanks for the reframe on choosing pain for ‘good reason’. I might just as well have said, ‘choosing the pain I want’. And while I’m at it, I don’t choose ugly marketing!
Excellent post, Mattison. Agreed that pain is inevitable. The way I think of it, there is the pain of growth (like when I stress my muscles) and the pain of death (like when I sit around and my muscles atrophy). As you say, the question is what pain do we choose moment to moment? I loved Rhonda’s post about choosing the pain of moment to moment awareness. I’ve made a deal with my self/God/the Universe in that regard – knowing is always better than not knowing, so I always choose to know what’s really going on, regardless of how dark/painful it is. We can’t deal with what needs to be dealt with until we’re being honest about reality. Finally, one resource for everyone on this subject – if you haven’t read “A Failure of Nerve” by Edwin Friedman, I highly recommend it. One of the themes he discusses there is the fact that short-term pain must actually increase in order to overcome chronic pain. And we are so pain-averse in this society, true growth becomes impossible because all vestiges of pain are avoided like the plague.
Wow Mattison. I really like the blog. I can read YOU all over it. Good luck in getting it satrted.
Mattison,
Always true to form! Insightful and thought provoking! Great post and always enjoy reading your blog as it is as awesome as you are! I can relate to the post via the 12 and 24 hour mountain bike race I choose to do. Funny how other things seem so hard when they are not a choice. Your posts delivers so much insight! Thanks for your continual gift you share!
Thanks, Mattison. I think that “choose your pain” can help us handle the difficult moments in life with a little more grace and generosity. I reflected on this very thing as I sat all day with a friend in the emergency room (she broke her leg in a fall). No one enjoys spending time waiting, especially in a hospital. But being there for her when she needed me (her husband was out of town) made the “pain/discomfort/aggravation” more bearable. And my pain couldn’t compare to what she was experiencing…
Thanks to everyone for a great discussion. I have really enjoyed it. I have received amazing feedback on this article, including 3 people, that have asked to reprint it in their newsletters. What an honor!
I will revisit this topic with a little different twist in a up-coming post. But before that I have something provocative to say about coaching. Look for that tomorrow or Monday.
Great post, my secret is just be comfortable with being uncomfortable, accept the unexpected, and the good ole Serenity Prayer.
Great read Mattison
I was a swimmer for 10 years and still playing rugby… I think you just gave me the motivation to give crossfit a try! I have heard they have a location in charlotte NC where I live so I will have to look them up! I am always in for a new physical challenge.
Love your blog and this particular post. I agree, true freedom is being able to choosing my pain. Great food for thought!
Thanks for this post! I agree wholeheartedly. How freeing that we have a choice in our lives as to the pain that we will endure – and the responsibility that comes with that choice. I love to think of pain as transforming – as in the butterfly. Without the pain that comes from the transformation from the caterpillar, the butterfly could not fly. The wings are formed and strengthened from the pain of pushing through the chrysalis. With the breakdowns or pain, comes the freedom and breakthroughs to the next level in our growth. Thanks for sharing with us.
you always had a way with words…..good read!
Very Buddhist take on pain Mattison. They say something similar ,”life is pain”. A little depressing but I think the point is well taken. It is in how we deal with pain that we learn about ourselves not in the myriad ways in which we avoid it. So I believe we are dancing around a new crossfit motto… “crossfit is pain”!! Great blog Mattison.