The second way to help people become more receptive is to communicate in the affirmative—focusing on what to do, rather than what not to do.

Why Affirmative Communication Matters

Most leaders (and parents or partners) unintentionally create confusion by telling others what not to do. But when you say what not to do, it doesn’t provide a clear picture of what should be done.

Example:

Imagine you’re at a restaurant with your child, and their drink arrives. You say, “Don’t spill that.” What happens next? Often, they spill it. Why? Because the brain doesn’t process the modifier don’t. Instead, their mental image focuses on spilling the drink—and they act on that image.

To illustrate this, try not to think about pink elephants in yellow tutus. Go ahead—don’t think about them.

What happened? Your brain immediately created the image.

The solution is to replace don’t with affirmative instructions. Instead of “Don’t spill the drink,” say, “Keep your drink in the cup.” This simple shift creates a clear, actionable image.

Affirmative Communication in Leadership

Here are some common scenarios and how to reframe them:

✅ “Don’t be late to the meeting” → “Be on time for the meeting at 9 a.m.”

✅ “I don’t want Italian for lunch” → “I’d like Mexican for lunch.”

By focusing on what you want rather than what you don’t want, you eliminate confusion and make it easier for people to act.

When you say “I don’t want Italian,” there’s no actionable direction—only a broad range of possibilities. When you specify “I’d like Mexican,” people can take steps to deliver on that request.

Why This Matters

When you tell people what not to do, they may procrastinate, seem lazy, or act inconsistently—not because they don’t care, but because they’re confused. As a leader, it’s your job to remove that confusion by giving clear, affirmative instructions.

Attention Management: The Key to Clarity

Communicating in the affirmative also directs attention to what matters. Attention management is the skill of focusing yourself and others on what serves the goal, rather than what to avoid.

For example, in a safety-critical environment, saying “Don’t put your hand there” can lead to accidents because the focus remains on the unsafe action. Instead, say, “Keep your hands here.”

This principle applies across leadership, business, and even parenting:

✅ Listen to what people are saying. Are they focusing on what they don’t want or fear?

✅ Reframe the conversation by asking questions or making statements that direct attention to what they do want.

A Real-Life Example

I once worked with a small construction company where workers were trained not to put screws in a specific area called the “top tray.” Despite constant reminders like, “Don’t put screws in the top tray,” workers kept doing it.

During a training session, one manager asked, “Is this why they keep putting screws there even when we tell them not to?”

I explained the issue: their instructions focused on what not to do, leaving no clear direction.

Instead, I suggested saying, “Place screws below the top tray.”

This small change in communication made a significant difference.

Key Takeaways

If you want to help underperformers achieve more, faster, focus on these three principles:

1.) Ask more, tell less.

2.) Communicate in the affirmative.

3.) Pay attention to where others’ focus is—and redirect it if needed.

By learning to communicate in the affirmative, you’ll create clarity, reduce resistance, and improve performance. Try it and see the difference it makes. Thanks for listening—I hope to see you next time!